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   Journal  

............................................................................
Jan 24th 2005

 

Current mood:

Pained

BARREN

It sits inside infectous cells this piercing pulsating warmth, 

I am so pale I feel so frail. Cut me open, leave me my inverted vase.

So I may produce a living seed in a sacred dieing space or would I let them down.

Its proof of humility, failure is proof of starility

Would they rip it out if it were dead, How would they know?

or would they medicate me again instead and let it grow.

I'm so damned tired, labeled and wired.

Profusly bleeding away taking pieces of life with it.

Sticky leaches inside provoke the effects of it.

Devouring the sweetist fruit and flesh, I can not handle this.

Darvocets, T3's and Demerol, Tortol and Delaudid they've perscribed them all

Pills and shots to candy coat pain, month after month, over and over again.

I in the fetus position then come questions.

can she walk? can she still talk?

I'd tell you but I hold my breath now, tap my veins and do your tests now.

Doped and wired and layed on a slate.

Scalpals, Hemos, Anasthetic on the plate.

Drips and dram and sterile tools plugs and pads in bloody pools.

Sign my name on the line, it's them who knows best.

Barren future, it's my guess.

I know I'd suffer so much less.

If only I could get my wish.

.......................................

I was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammitory disease (PID) and Endometriosis and this is the true to life poem I wrote about my suffering and experience with two perminant diseases. If you have any questions leave me a comment ... thanx

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Pelvic inflammatory disease

Definition

Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is a term used to describe any infection in the lower female reproductive tract that spreads upward to the upper female reproductive tract. The lower female genital tract consists of the vagina and the cervix. The upper female genital tract consists of the body of the uterus, the fallopian or uterine tubes, and the ovaries.

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Pelvic Laparoscopy

Endometriosis

Definition

 

Cause of female infertility, is a condition in which endometrial tissue, the tissue that lines the inside of the uterus, grows outside the uterus and attaches to other organs in the abdominal cavity such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes. Endometriosis is a progressive disease that tends to get worse over time and can reoccur after treatment. Symptoms include painful menstrual periods, abnormal menstrual bleeding and pain during or after sexual intercourse.

.....................................................................................................
JAN 13 2005
.................
 
We went to the Liquid room last night
it was so much fun, We saw Bug there which was strange and he inspired a 420 movement.... (lol)
It was really nice to hang out with my brother.
I talked to Giz this morning which was really nice.
I will be at "The House" all day today while Jeremy is at work hanging out with Tom, Rebecca,Cory,Jessica and Thom.
Our Television show is in movement now. It will be broadcasted in the public access channel.
any comments?
leave them in my guestbook if you dare  *muah *


..........................................................................
Jan 12 2005
A lot of time has passed now...
Bernadette and I are in Grand Haven most of the time.
Giz left us to move to his moms in the south
and life has never been so crazy......
I healed ok from the surgery save a annoying
infection that will not leave me alone. Gizmo called everyday for a long time and I called him a lot as well but thats over now. I call him on occasion to see how he is doing. I just dyed my hair Purple and black and I will do my best to get pics up soon.
The situation with Damon has gotten really bad and I miss him so much. I am going to go to the Liquid Room tonight for some fun sence I feel like I need it..
George is finally out of Jail which is nice.
Keep me posted you guys!!! 
 
 

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
1:10 pm - A SAD Week Indeed
Last Week on Wed I found out I was pregnant.. I did not know how to react. I was excited and in fear all at once. The let down of my doctor telling me that I would probably never get pregnant again kept going through my mind as if it were a broken record. I did not know how to act at all. It was like all at once I felt my life was about to change. The look in Giz's eyes changed to one of awe and I felt like something in my life was about to happen. ON Thursday to follow up that feeling and give me some sort of comfort I saw a doctor to see if everything was ok. She said my levels of blood pregnancy were high and it looked "good". On friday morning I had not slept all night and I felt real sick and I began to bleed. I was alarmed knowing that if I were pregnant it could mean dangerious things to me or the baby and I rushed in at 7am. By noon I had seen several Doctors who all said the same and I did not want to hear it, "Ectopic Pregnancy"

ECTOPIC PREGNANCY is a pregnancy that grows in the fallopian tube, not the uterus. If the pregnancy continues and the tube ruptures, there may be life-threatening intraabdominal bleeding. Even with the modern practice of medicine, the rupture of the ectopic pregnancy is still one of the leading causes of gynecological deaths in the United States.

They rushed me to the emergency room after a look at the ultrasound results from wed which were odd because they showed no baby and they said it could mean two things  either a Ectopic or a really early pregnancy. I had a blood test and it came up really bad, my numbers had dripped from wed and not gone up meaning I was losing the pregnancy. I was scared and I was wreathing in pain. I had about 3 shots of morphine and on the way from the bathroom I about doubbled over.

I was rushed into emergency surgery by 2:30pm. The baby was apparently not only a tubal pregnancy and not viable but my fallopian tube was rotted and burst open. This is very dangerous because no one knew how long it had been this way and they said it looked so bad I had to have been in pain for day (which I was) and that had it been one more day I would havce died of blood poisoning or TSS which is common to a tubal pregnancy.  I cam out of the surgery in fair condition. They left my Overy for the hormones buit had to remove the tube and sew it off. I am in pain and I have to kepe my legs elevated. All my hopes so high and low in just three days and almost dieing has traumatized me again. This is my second surgery in 5 months and my body is weak and I feel sick all the time. It has only been about 5 days and I am still in shock as to what just happened to me. I feel like a huge let down and burdon. I don't understand how so many bad things can happen to one person and wonder what I ever did to deserve such luck.

 I am greatful I am alive, I am greatful I will be better soon and I am greatful I have people all around me who love me and are supportive because without them I would have been alone in this and that would have been unbearable.They say that now I can get pregnant really easy again because the problem has been fixed and found. My good overy and tube look really good and the Dr. says I will feel much better after all this is healed. While they were in there they found a few spots of Endo as well and cauterized it so I don't have to do it all agian next year. YAY lol so if you actually read all this let me know  what you think... I know its a lot to say in one sitting lol. I miss everyone please come and see me, I almost died and I feel like I should see everyone I can.... I love you all  ...Even the ones I hate. tee he he

Ectopic Pregnancy- Images



current mood: crappy
current music: Soul Caliber on the tube in the living room lol

 

Thursday, September 16th, 2004
4:31 am - A BABY?

I spent the day in the hospital. I ahev NEWS!!!! I had both a blood and pee test and indeed.. I am with CHILD. The baby is of course bernadettes lol no no I mean Giz but who can tell the difference sence bernadette and I were the most connected at the hip people I have ever heard of. The bad part is that I may have lost the baby last night. I was in "miscarrage threat" and I was leaking ambieotic fluid. I am pretty sick from it but hey I was told I have to take another blood test on Friday and if it is positive WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!! I could not be any happier. I am going to ask Gizmo to marry me next summer and I don't know how he is going to feel about it but it is worth a try. If everything goes as well as it is supposed to after "the move" I should have no problem getting my boy back in due time. Wish me luck everyone for friday .. cross your fingers because it is what I want and need.. I love you all thanks for listening.

 

Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
8:41 am - Sponsor A Vegetarian!

 

 

Nullify the vegetarian moral crusade:

 

What does it mean to sponsor a vegetarian? - Click Pic and Find out...